I’ve been doing hydrotherapy pretty much weekly for around two years now.

I say weekly. Anyone familiar with the facility will know this means weekly, subject to the pool, lighting and the alignment of several planets.

I like hydro.

I’m lucky to have access to it, I enjoy being in the water, and after a stroke there are obvious advantages to being somewhere I can move differently. I can exercise/”swim”, walk, stretch, challenge my balance and generally do things that are either harder or different than on dry land.

But recently I’ve caught myself wondering whether I’m making the best use of it.

Not whether I should stop. I’m not planning on that.

More: after two years, what am I actually there to achieve?

The hydro sessions are completely self-led. There isn’t a physiotherapist standing at the side of the pool directing me. My actual physiotherapy happens elsewhere.

What I can do, though, is steal things from regular physio.

Not literally. I don’t leave with resistance bands stuffed in my coat.

Exercises, movements and ideas that I’m working on in physio can often be adapted to the water. That gives me another environment in which to explore them, sometimes with more freedom and less fear of gravity enthusiastically joining in.

And I have a mental list.

I get in. I work through it. I exercise. I move. I get out.

This is apparently where I differ from everyone else.

its a social club I accidentally joined

It’s the same little group of us each week.

I’m the youngest by about 25/30 years.

The other people  are lovely and a few of them I really like; but for most of the group hydro is also a social event. They chat. They catch up. They know what’s happening in each other’s lives.

They are keen to include me.

And I find that difficult.

Not because I dislike them. I don’t.

It’s because I’ve arrived with an entirely different operating system.

They’re having a chat in a warm pool.

I’ve got an invisible clipboard.

I’m mentally going:

Right. Done those. Next exercise. Remember what I did in physio. Can I modify that in the water? How many of these have I done? Why am I now discussing someone’s conservatory?

It isn’t antisocial exactly. I’m quite happy to say hello, have a quick conversation and be friendly.

But I’m there to do the thing and leave.

Hydro is already asking my brain to think about movement, balance, position and what comes next.

Adding an ongoing social conversation isn’t necessarily unpleasant.

It’s just another thing drawing from the battery and taking my time

The hour in the pool isn’t the whole cost

There’s another part of this calculation that’s easy to overlook.

Hydro doesn’t cost me an hour of time or the cost of the session.

There’s the drive there. Then the traditional game of “Will there be one of the approximately three parking spaces available?”

Then I’ve got to get changed.

Then I do the actual hydrotherapy.

Then shower.

Then towel myself dry.

Then get dressed again.

Then get myself and my assorted belongings back out to the car which could be parked a considerable distance away.

And I do all of that independently, with one  functioning arm.

I’m perfectly capable of doing it. That’s not the point.

The point is that capable and effortless are not the same thing.

Getting changed, managing wet clothes, showering, drying myself and dressing again aren’t enormous individual achievements that require a triumphant soundtrack.

They’re just faff.

But they’re one-handed faff, and faff accumulates.

So when I wonder whether hydro is a worthwhile use of my time and energy, I’m not really asking whether 45 minutes or an hour in a warm pool is worthwhile.

I’m asking whether the entire operation is worthwhile.

I think it is.

But if something is going to consume that much of the finite Ben battery every week on my day off , I want to make sure I’m actually using the opportunity properly once I’m in there.

Maybe the question has changed

When I first started hydrotherapy, perhaps the important thing was simply that the water gave me opportunities to move.

Two years later, I can do quite a lot.

That’s a good problem to have.

I’m progressing in land-based physio. I’m being challenged more. Things that once required enormous concentration have changed. Other things have taken their place, because apparently rehabilitation refuses to provide a satisfying 100% COMPLETE screen.

So perhaps hydro doesn’t need to justify its existence.

Perhaps I just need to be a bit more deliberate about what I’m using it for.

What movements can I explore in water that I can’t comfortably explore on land?

What can I make harder?

What can I adapt from physio?

What am I doing because it’s genuinely useful, and what am I doing simply because I’ve always done it?

And, importantly, can I accept that enjoying the water is itself allowed to be part of the answer?

Not every minute of rehabilitation has to produce a measurable improvement.

I’m lucky enough to have access to a facility I enjoy, where I can exercise independently in an environment that gives my post-stroke body different options.

That’s worth something.

I just don’t necessarily want to talk about someone’s conservatory while I’m doing it.

Edit: apologies to my physiotherapist friend I’ve triggered . It’s called aquatic therapy now and I’m still jealous you get paid to play in the warm water