It’s finally happening 10 months after the stroke / surgery. I’m very close to going back to work.

I can drive again and my car is coming tomorrow . So I can get to work which had been a barrier.

I’m not going back in the capacity I did before, I’m not sure I will ever scrub in surgery again which is, honestly, heart breaking (excuse the pun) I loved being scrubbed especially for big, complicated general surgery cases, allow me to be big headed but I was bloody good at it too, when a consultant surgeon asks for you specifically to be present because they appreciate your skills, knowledge and experience is a pretty damn good indication of your skill as a scrub practitioner.

When not scrubbed or in theatre my role on the senior management team meant a lot of coordinating on a daily basis which is just tackling constant questions and issues like sickness, logistical elements of running ten operating theatres each day and being expected to be a walking encyclopaedia of:paediatric surgery, how an entire hospital runs and HR policies inside out eg (Ben x hasn’t turned up for work. Ben I can’t find y what can I use instead? Ben it’s snowing, there’s 3 snowflakes can I go home?) Plus listening to everyone’s small gripes and grumbles which when there’s 100+ people in a department fills a 10 hour day (and more).

Pre stroke I used to have a steady plan every week : Monday coordinate, Tuesday was my clinical day Wednesday was day off, Thursday secondary coordinator, Friday was my admin / management day. I’ve missed my work so much, I love my job , I enjoyed most days, had a great little support and friendship network and it was a rewarding job to know the difference I was making to patients and families. . My boss always said he loved telling strangers what he did as it was such a rewarding role to be proud of and you could tell people were interested and /or impressed, I got that feeling too I was proud of my role. Working a 40 hour week plus being available for calls/ messages etc is a huge commitment, it was essentially a lifestyle not a job. A 20 year career has now essentially gone due to an ‘accident’ I try not to dwell on it because it would drive me mad but I think I’m allowed to be a bit bitter. For a long time I never thought I’d return at all, then I thought I’d go back in a wheelchair and then with a walking aid, to get back fully independently walking is such a big accomplishment that I didn’t expect to happen.

I’m going back into just the managerial / coordinating aspect which I used to really enjoy but I was known for being omnipresent wandering around talking to people and personally checking on each theatres progress. Yes I can walk but I’m wary of going in a sterile environment with an arm that flops around with no control, I’m also aware there’s an expectation I’ll appear when people want me and they won’t understand how slow I am and the considerable effort the poor walking takes especially in quite a large department.

My plan is to place myself centrally and let people come to me, which should work (proof to be seen).

I’m aware there’s often emotional and cognitive changes after strokes, I do sometimes get frustrated quickly but that’s normally at myself when I can’t do something Like I used to (say open something I need with my hands) I also have a bit more empathy which might not go a miss as a people manager.

Cognitive I’ve been able to do so much at home, I’ve continually sorted multiple appointments, medication, dwp benefits, driving assessments, motability cars etc. I’m still pretty intelligent and think work will be good for me to use my brain in a functional capacity again.

I’m probably most wary about food and drink, I’ll not be able to get to the staff kitchen easily and definitely not carry things around. I’m going to need to rely on colleagues, peers and friends which feels a huge ask and pretty demoralising to ask people to microwave a meal for me. I worry about getting changed too, the changing rooms are busy, I’m very slow, I can’t tie scrub trousers. The whole not being able to use cuttlery embarrassment remains too, but now with an added audience.

I have to go back because: shortly I’ll drop pay and can’t afford that , I think I need some structure/routine , mental challenge and independence.

I know from research many stroke survivors never return to work and those that do it’s a scarce few that do in under a year which I’ll just about scrape.

My work are trying to be as accommodating as possible with phased return to fit me, my boss has read plenty on how to get a stroke employee back and is actively looking at many avenues of support.

I’m worried about so many things going back.

Post stroke fatigue (especially in a morning) still making getting up almost impossible some days, I am better on days with an appointments etc so fingers crossed a work day structure and timing commitment might help resolve some of that,

Driving into work, I’ve got to drive out of my little quiet village past a big shopping centre, traverse the city at rush hour and find parking close to work (no mean feat).

I’m worried about getting food and drink when I need it.

I’m worried about whether I’m capable of returning be it physically or mentally.

I’m worried about other peoples reactions and behaviours. I am bored of talking about the stroke and it’s going to be a whole wall of that for a while; perhaps I ought to send (or get my boss to share) an email about what I want people to do when I come back (ie give me physical space and keep me supplied with tea) it may well stop some of the intensity of questions and gives me that bit of control over the narrative.

Going back not at 100% who or what I was is difficult to accept and making me incredibly anxious. I’m very openly a control freak so to go back to something I know so well in a different capacity is really on my mind.

As much as I would love to stay at home a bit longer, especially with the current upper limb progress I’m getting, but I can’t hide away forever.

I’ve started getting some things prepared: new bag, notebook and pens like I’m going into a new year at school.

I will, in time, come back to reflect on this, especially the initial stages