I’ve never been the most comfortable person in my own skin, as a child I was painfully skinny,wore glasses and needed braces to sort my teeth all of which carried on into my 20s. I always thought I was a bit ugly, despite an army of ex lovers and a list of men waiting incase my marriage ever failed. I never felt particularly attractive

In my 30s I decided I needed to change this and started going to the gym where thankfully I got 2 very good PTs with great bodies who tsught,inspired and pushed me. I was also able to afford nicer clothes and’s a good barber and the odd few minutes on a sun bed (yes I know but it wasn’t high in my risk register considering and really started to feel good about myself, a lot of this was due to my body looking better, I even did a little bit of modelling which did wonders for my self image and confidence.

Then 5 years prior to the stroke when I went to work at the children’s hospital I met another Ben who had a massive impact on my life, he was tall and skinny and had had similar experiences, compounded by the fact his brother was a bodybuilder and PT (we’ll come back to him in time, the sparks chapter) he started working out we would compare workout plans and eating, when I knew my cardiac surgery was coming I decided I couldn’t just spend weeks in bed and watch my hsrd earned body melt so I went on a “bullk” eating 3000 calories a day and living in the gym, 5 gym sessions and 2 gymnastic sessions a week so about 8 hours of lifting and 3 of throwing myself around

While in cardiac intensive care my mum took a photo of me and showed me. That became the realisation point of how ill I was, central line hanging out my neck and my chest covered in scars, I looked so pale skinnny and wiped out too, I was told by staff I had a significant facial droop when we discussed the stroke. I didn’t see this until hospital 3,Rich pushed my wheelchair into a lift with a mirror and the man looking back wasn’t me, I sobbed and sobbed that it looked so bad, the physios had me start facial exercises which worked pretty quickly sandone day a friend messaged after seeing a photo of me to say every photo looked more like me, I think I cried again at that