I’m aware that we live in a persistently online world ; I don’t shy away from it (with my blog, personal and stroke based instagram accounts and a regular vent on Theeads ). Someone said to me recently it looks like I have a nice life in reference to what they see of it online .

It’s not real though is it? Everyone’s social media feeds have a falseness and veneer , I too am guilty of this, it got me thinking of the days I don’t share, the uninteresting days. Not every day has a rehab breakthrough or fun event

No one sees the days when it takes me 2-3 hours to source the energy to leave bed because I’ve got no energy or enthusiasm and I can stay in bed cosy, reading being quiet and safe

No one sees the physical struggle of me trying to shower. No one sees me angrily launching a pair of socks around the bedroom because on the 3rd attempt I’ve still not got them on right.

No one sees when I pick clothes for convenience over style or of if I chose what I want the battle to locate and wear them

No one sees the days where I might not speak a word aloud until lunchtime or even later because I’ve no one to speak to.

No one sees when I go hungry or thirsty because I can’t make the food or drink I want nor can I pop to the shop to get stuff on a whim. No one sees the nights I stay up late, on my own, watching terrible films or listening to music because I can.

No one sees the sleepless nights where I can’t get comfortable in bed or my mind won’t stop racing.

This all sounds a bit whiny and that’s not my intention it’s just a reflection and documentation of something I’ve thought on that not all of my life is documented.

Self goal: 12th March 26. I’m not working. I’ve currently got nothing planned. I’ll document some of it on instagram.

To the depths of the ocean where all hopes sank, searchin’ for you
Well, I was moving through the silence without motion, waitin’ for you
In a room without a window in the corner, I found truth

• 🎵 the killers Shadowplay, 2007.