I’ve written before about body image and that post stroke not having the muscle mass and appearance I did (and further being physically unable to regain the muscle ) combined with not being able to select and wear my clothing as I want. It Gives me unending stress and frustration to not look as good as I could and did.

Recently while talking with a family member who has had significant surgery we discussed body image particularly when naked.

We compared thoughts on feeling less physically attractive than we used to and a level of embarrassment around scars.

My current scar collection:

One significant chest scar on my upper left, where my internal defib was put in. The internal defib is semi visible under the skin too because I lost all the muscle there.

I have a scar across my ribs on my left where a chest drain once sat. I have multiple additional keyhole surgery scars scattered around my rib cage.

I have small scars in my groin both sides from the defib insertion where additional vascular access was required.

I have a small neck scar where a central line once sat, a small scar to my right arm where a long access line sat too.

By my count that’s 9. Plus the semi visible defib.

When I’m naked and feeling skinny due to muscle loss, I become hyper aware of the scars. My brain, unhelpfully tells me between the scars, cardiac implant and failure of body I feel like Frankensteins monster.

You got wires, going in
You got wires, coming out of your skin
There’s dry blood, on your wrist
Your dry blood on my fingertip

🎵 wires, Althete, 2005