Here’s another “it’s been sat in drafts for months because I’m rubbish at explaining the topic”

I find it frustrating being physically slow. I want to dash, I want to run, I don’t want every step to be a mental checklist and huge effort. I want to go “ yeah I’ll nip upstairs and brush my teeth before I go out” and it not take ages. Pre stoke I would gallop upstairs on all fours like a tiger (in my head)

Mentally I also feel sluggish. The best description is my brain feels like a windows 95 pc trying to run windows XP (yes I’m old, leave my references alone). I recognise it’s trying to work but the process isn’t smooth or faultless, thankfully I don’t crash but I do often talk through what I’m doing to give me that extra time to process

E.g

I am forever making notes and to do lists to mean I can box off a task or thought rather than either: tackle it immediately or remember to come back to it later

leaving the house for work in a morning I’ll verbalise my inner monologue.

“I’ve got my phone, is my wallet still in my work bag? Have I got lunch? Is my blue badge still in the car?”

I know all these answers but talking them through keeps me focused and self assured.

Pre stroke I’d have grabbed stuff as I walked out of the house without a word or hesitation. it’s tiring to be like this which then slows my brain function down more.

It’s the mental equivalent of being in a dream, I feel distant, lost and unsure. I’m waiting to wake up.

Someone recently commented that my speech appears faster, I’m not sure it feels faster but I like that it might be a thng.

Clothes take forever, I want a quick change to be quick, not need a seat, plan and complex manoeuvre.

I find it hard, hard to be soft

Stop saying I’m perfect

When clearly I’m not

Just need to catch

Catch my breath

Go slowly, slowly

I know you’re not supposed to know me

I only see it when you show me, slowly

🎵Slowly ~ Olivia dean 2021