Pre stroke I was known for being a talker, I remember many occasions of people asking me to pause to take a breath.

In the immediate hours post stroke I had the scary experience of not being able to communicate at all.

While in my first stay on ICU I was assessed by a speech and language therapist; mainly to see if I could safely return to solid foods, which took a couple of days.

I was apparently very quiet but I know I was struggling to talk. The SALT set me going with vocal and breathing exercises to get my diaphragm and vocal cords working again, they too came back fairly quickly. I was able to talk especially to people who had tuned into me.

After 6 months someone pointed out that I was monotone in my speech and often running out of breath, I had a referral to another SALT who turned out to be absolutely brilliant.

We met during a physio session, so while doing intense physical work I was also making silly noises and trying to shout which felt silly; after this we did 1:1 sessions. I had daily “homework” making noises and varying volume changes. I would sit and do these, regularly scaring our poor dog.

There was a huge upturn almost immediately. I started to find the breathing aspect much easier.

I was discharged from the service pretty quickly, both of us satisfied my speech was better and that tone might come later on after continued usage.

It was noted by a handful of people that my patience to wait to speak had changed and I would often interrupt a conversation which upset me; I hate to think I’ve been rude or that I had changed into a worse person.

I don’t find speaking as fluent and easy as it was pre stroke. I often have to give serious consideration on what I want to say, i dislike the phrase ‘brain fog’ but it’s actually an appropriate description for how I feel.

Combine the brain fog, attention to breath control, observing to make sure it’s an ok time to speak and it impacts my speed at being able to respond so conversations feel more stunted, I don’t have the same quick witted repertoire with natural back and forths.

It’s hard to explain this to people, especially because I expect from an outside perspective I don’t appear to have much issue.

People will regularly interrupt me, talk over and sometimes ignore me unaware how much effort it actually takes for me to speak and don’t understand why it upsets me when they do those things.

I’ve started to find I can “shout” and it feel quite natural. Tone remains pretty much the same; my laugh is non existent, being a surprise when it does happen.

This is surely not what you thought it would be
I lose myself in a daydream
Where I stand and say

Don’t say yes, run away now
I’ll meet you when you’re out of the church at the back door
Don’t wait, or say a single vow
You need to hear me out
And they said, “Speak now”

🎵 – speak now, Taylor swift 2010