Let’s be clear.

I do not mean the Disney ride with terrible but infectious soundtrack.

Nor do I mean the “it’s a small world” phrase when you bump into someone you know when on holiday etc.

I’m talking about the world being pulled inwards which is what happened because of my stroke.

I darent travel far (flying, in particular airports terrify me now: so big, time restrictions and busy, I dare say security would be a nightmare too ) so in that sense the physical world has become out of my reach, in the past I’ve hiked through Caribbean rain forests topped off with a swim in a natural waterfall pool. I’ve swam in naturally formed pools in Italy, I’ve explored the pompeii site with a deep interest running building to building, I’ve jogged beachside trails and hiked up volcanic landscapes chasing the kids in the canaries. Ive hiked up forests next to fjords in Norway I’ve skied in the baltics. Those things are just gone from my life now.

My hobbies and interests are pretty much non existent now. Sometimes I’ll see someone (a stranger) doing something; say running or cycling and go “yeah I’d like a go at that” before the crushing reality that simply I can’t and likely won’t ever. Just a million activities closed off. Options; fun, interests, distractions just continually finding I’m against a never ending series of closed doors.

Similarly while I’ve persevered and work continues; my passion is lacking due to not being able to complete the clinical aspect which I loved so much . I often debate a new role or career but trying to find one that fits with one functional upper limb and slow lower limb puts me off even looking.

I’ve previously discussed food and how because food prep and cooking is near on impossible and eating not much better I’ve lost choices over what I eat and when.

I can’t eat out due to being unable to use cutlery. Hand held Street foods? Nope.

Ilive a small life of working what I can, being at home, rehab physio occasionally going for a walk or to the pub but that’s about it. It’s a far cry from pre stroke days of a job I adored with a huge clinical commitment running around , doing a hobby or activity pretty much every night of the week . Going out on a weekend. Travelling when and where we wanted and doing what we pleased.

My world was pulled inwards and I can’t fight to get it back out. it’s like being stuck in a bed sheet but more oppressive and added mental turmoil.

There’s no indication of
What we were meant to be
Sucking up to strangers
Throwing wishes to the sea

It can’t come quickly enough
And now you’ve spent your life
Waiting for this moment
And when you finally saw it come
It passed you by and
Left you so defeated

🎵- it can’t come quickly enough, scissor sisters – 2003