Fairly recently I’ve had access to a Neuro psychologist who is yet another person in my ever growing therapy arsenal. I had a psychologist in the very very early days, mainly to help me adjust to the initial shock and heart break, beyond that I was left to deal with the psychological impact of suddenly becoming disabled and my life highly changing on my own. I could have possibly pushed for more earlier than now but I’m a pretty strong and stubborn git. Until things got dark a few weeks ago, I pushed for help and lo and behold now have another person in my corner, it’s more of a bus stop than a corner.

One of the things me and the psychologist have talked about in our sessions is how guilty I feel about the impact my health has had on everyone else (rich, my parents, my kids, my friends); in the sessions We sit closely , she types notes throughout, she paused, looked at me, adjusted her position, looked me in the eye and said slowly and with purpose “Ben, it isn’t your fault” then further elaborated this stance but that first statement has hit me so hard.

It’s become another little internal mantra when I worry about impacting on other people. I see my psychologist sat at the table leaning in and saying “Ben, it’s not your fault”.

She’s absolutely right, of course, it isn’t my fault. I’m just dealing with the aftermath. As are my family and friends. I wish none of us were, but we’re out here dealing with it day by day.

I’m hanging on your side of town
I notice when you’re not around
Can’t keep my cool, I’m burning inside
A broken heart, beat barely alive

–Your Side of Town, The Killers 2023