One aspect of rehab / recovery I tend to be a little quieter on is the psychological impact, but it’s recently been on my mind a bit after I’ve asked for some clinical psychology input but it’s not been actioned as yet (hooray once again for poorly funded and run community services).

Anger – my fuse is shorter and I acknowledge that I bite or snap somewhat regularly where as pre stroke I was so far removed from any hint of a temper I was metaphorically horizontal, I suspect the permanent frustrations of life just sit in my head waiting for the crack in the dam.

I’m not saying I’ve always been a saint but pre stroke if I’d had a frustrating day I’d take myself to the gym and throw some weights around for an hour or two or throw myself round the gymnastic gym but I’ve lost those outlet options; similarly I might have played video games but it’s a 2 handed thing. So I’m left no real outlets to work out my frustrations or channel my energies when im struggling.

Guilt – I see the impact my situation has had on my family; e.g my husband hates shopping and cooking yet now has to do all these things and is permanently frustrated by them. I want to do these and help to support my family but simply can’t. I was always the planner and organiser of our house but I’ve had to let that fall to Rich.

Our holidays, breaks, weekends and general down time has had to change to accommodate my needs, we’ve not flown to see Richard’s mum for 2 years now, it feels selfish and I feel terrible about it.

I watch my parents, in their 60s running around after me, decorating, doing heavy lifting and manual work , I should be doing this for them it feels shameful I have to sit and just watch.

Confidence, I don’t look how I want to look with no control over making that any better , I can’t always dress how I want to without help, getting around, even just walking, takes so much thought and effort it’s a binding constant , I’m aware people watch my poor walk too which makes me self conscious so I don’t walk into or around places feeling confident.

Fun, prior to the stroke I was always a bit silly. I’d run around, I’d dance, as a tactile person I’d regularly drape myself over people, hugs weren’t optional. I’d pick my tiny mother up, especially if I’d had a drink, I’d play fight with my best friends, I would regularly tickle and torment my niece and nephew while playing with them then end with big hugs

Without the physical ability to do most of these things Ifeel that I’ve lost the whimsy, humour and softer edge that I previously had.

Kindness– I think, I hope, I am still a kind person, I genuinely care about people, I will still go out of my way to do nice things but the more spontaneous and caring things are restricted by my mobility, or lack of; I can’t, for example, note Rich saying he’s tired while I’m at work and then go and grab him a coffee from the drive through as a treat. I can’t go to visit my mum and grab a bunch of flowers on the way. At work I get frustrated that my colleagues have to make me hot drinks and while they regularly do I’d like to be able to take my turn and return the favour. I worry the perception is I don’t want to play my part of the team and return niceties.

Just shine a light on me, shine a light
I’ll shine a light on you, shine a light
And you will see my shadow on every wall
And you will see my footprint on every floor~my Shadow, Keane 2008