(I wanted a wittier RuPaul title but here we are).

I’ve posted before that I’m waiting for more cardiac surgery and how in the end despite my protests I’d been forced into it, I’m not safe without it. I haven’t got a choice of just ignoring it, like so many things in my life I’ve got to just deal with it.

We’ve been waiting a while for confirmation of when it was going to happen , it was always a mid scale timing (weeks not months) today the call came; I was in work, and it’s booked in for a weeks time. I can’t tell some poor admin person I need to pause the call to vomit with nerves. So I listened to the instructions and pretended to be grateful they phoned.

I quickly (well, as fast as I can) left my office and sat outside in the sun, phoned Rich with an update then text my family.

I phoned my boss too who came for a chat with me; the first person to ask if I was ok. Forever the brave face I said yes I was just having a minute to process and speak with my family which he respected and left me alone which I really appreciated.

If im honest i am absolutely scared to death about this; im not happy about handing my already damaged carcass over to possibly risk a slightly better outcome. I’ve played this game before and it didn’t end well.

I’m tired of constant stress and worry and seeing my loved ones deal with the same; permanently feeling like I’m the cause of their worry just adds to mine.

Someone joked I’ll bail on the day of surgery and it’s planted a seeed; I’m mentally preparing an escape route if I need.

I’ve done my best defending But the punches are starting to land
I’m sliding into something
You won’t understand – 🎶rut, the killers