My last post was all about the progress on my one year since the stroke and being pleased with the achievements I’d made.

But I can’t know peace, life doesn’t allow it.

On Tuesday while in work I got a call (withheld which normally means it’s nhs) and it was my long term cardiologist who I very much like and one of the few people who I let call me my full name as they always have done. 

“Benjamin it’s Dr X can you talk?”

“Of course.” 

I was sat in my shared office in the middle of my work team at the time.

“It sounds noisy, are you in work?” 

“I am, do you need me to go somewhere quiet?” 

“No it’s fine but I hadn’t realised you’d gone back to work, well done you.” 

“Err thanks.” 

My mind was bubbling, with what the nature of the call was, it could be as simple as my night time data synch had failed

It wasn’t. I’d had an MRI just before our holiday. 

He had the results and on the phone diagnosed a potentially severe condition “what I need to do rather quickly is get your existing cardiac hardware out and replaced with more robust kit.” This had potentially been their plan for the past year anyway, we’d had mini discussions around this before

“Ok…but i am not returning to hospital X (where I had my stroke during cardiac surgery that ultimately didn’t work either). 

“Oh, ok. In which case I need to look further afield which adds more delay.” 

“That’s fine and it gives me time to think” was my pretty diplomatic response 

“Benjamin I think it’s important I see you soon in person, with your husband and parents, my secretary is going to phone you shortly with my next appointment, meanwhile I’m going to book in one last scan urgently”. 

For yet another time my world fell apart, the condition we were discussing isn’t something simple, being told me and my family were needed means it’s not good news and the speed of reaction isn’t agood sign either. 

I took myself out of the office and sat outside to think for a little while, phoned my parents (on holiday, abroad, natch) and Rich. Not long after back to back calls booking in the scan and the face to face meeting within the week

I’m here. One again, debating pros and cons of surgery, feeling very much sure I don’t want any further surgical interventions, but aware that option might not even be my choice . If life had turned out differently and I hadn’t been left disabled and with a non functional limb post stroke after my last surgery I might be more invested, but I currently feel like my quality of life isn’t worth fighting for but I am aware that sounds a bit defeated already and some of my family think it’s a selfish opinion

I’d strongly argue against it being selfish; I’ve had a rough few years consecutively and the past year has been truly awful, I’ve never shied away from expressing the lows and I don’t think anything is going to improve the situation.

Let’s see what the next week brings.

I’m a silent fuse
I’m a tightening screw
And I might be everything
That is wrong for you

Because I’m fractured

~🎵 Fractured, Hurts (2020)