By scars,for now, I’m just going to talk about physical ones

Prior to my stroke / surgery when the stroke occurred I had plenty of scars on my body, notably:

Front of hairline- from being hit by a car as a child the bumper tossed me up and I head butted the windscreen.

Back of my head- from a nightclub in Scarborough aged 18, dancing with a female friend and some man didn’t like that, he weirdly thought he had a chance with her but I was his the obstacle, never mind him looking like shrek so he hit my head with a Newcastle brown bottle, I have quite the lump from it.

My pacemaker scar – just below my left collar bone, and when I’m thin like I am now, post stroke, you can also visibly see the pacemaker device under my skin too.

I used to be super self conscious of it and a work friend noted a few years ago that I always hid it unconsciously leaving clothes or towels draped over it when in the work changing room I did eventually stop that after it was pointed out, that scar remains, prominent as ever.

Cardiac surgery scars- multiples from the failed cardiac surgery when the stroke happened I have a small one on my left upper ribs and a bigger one a little further below where my chest drain sat thanks to a hole in my lung that was also a surgical accident These are mirrored on the right side albeit smaller.

My chest now has 5 scars over it on what looks like random unrelated sites I semi- ironically call it my Frankenstein chest, if I can’t joke about it, who can. And now with zero muscle on my chest to disguise the pacemaker and detract from the rest I’m very aware how unpleasant it is to see, in my mind if I joke about it and own it, it stops people being overly interested /shocked etc

If I can just push through a bit more arm and upper limb control work to give me the chance to build strength and regain some muscle I’d probably hate seeing myself without clothes a bit less . Goals, goals, goals.

I feel knocked down but I won’t be broken, I won’t be broken
My spirit’s reeling, but my arms are open, I won’t be broken

🎶Keane ~ won’t be broken (2013)