In my sometimes thoughts (link) I mentioned I’m able to recognise the darkest thoughts I have but I put them together and lock them far, far away in my brain.

I’ve always compartmentalised things in life; in my brain things like friends are grouped, I never had “work friends”, I have work and I have friends; some people at work became friends, but they were never my true inner circle, and if on occasion the two worlds met it made me very uncomfortable and unsettled I like boundaries and order, explains the clear control freak.

One work friend DB (I feel your grin because I called you a friend) hated that I would compartmentalise life. Over the past ten months I think being able to compartmentalise has been a great skill to have.

There’s now things I’ve had to learn I will likely ever get the opportunity to do again , I’ve boxed them together, closed that box and plan on ignoring it forever.

I don’t think I’ll ever scrub at an operating table again. I don’t think I’ll ever run into a resus or medical emergency situation and join in.

I don’t think I’ll ever cook meals again, I don’t think I’ll ever eat meals with real cutlery again or be confident enough to go to a restaurant without pre checking the menu for finger foods.

I don’t think I’ll ever get back to gymnastics. I didn’t find gymnastics until my 30s and despite never being a huge sports person or super fit, I found a team, like minded people and enjoyed learning the skills and pushing myself.

I don’t think I’ll ever get the body (read: muscularity, strength, appearance) I had just prior to the stroke.

I don’t think I’ll pick up my niece and nephew or my friends children and play with them. Though I do a decent job at trying with one arm

I don’t think I’ll play video games with controller sagain, that’s a huge level of thumb Dexterity. I have started some mouse controlled games instead.

Big nights out, I rarely did them but I did used to enjoy it when I did. I do think dressing will get easier in time but a shirt / blazer isn’t doing it for me now, lots of beer, I still love my beers / Proseccos but I look unsteady enough without throwing 8 pints in the mix. I cannot dance. One leg barely moving and an arm just hanging looks weird, it just is. Jumpy club /gymnastics were great for a night out and while I was never desperate for a night out I’d love the opportunity to try it again.

I spoke about the boxing off with a consultant surgeon colleague recently and they were surprised to hear my method of mentally filing things and also that I’d accepted this as an outcome.

Theme parks and rides, I’ve mentioned before I’m a bit of a theme park geek but I think that hobby is another that realistically is gone.

“Real holidays” the type where you get on a plane, spend a week sunbathing and eating then fly home.

Airports are terrifying when you’ve got limited walking speed and I expect security would be difficult too. I could easily however sit on a plane but a week somewhere new not knowing what I can do and where I can get is daunting. Add the whole eating worry and it’s all piling up. Plus on a holiday I like to swim (long term goal there) or visit a water park (see: theme parks).

To me just making peace with these things allows me to move on a little which has ultimately got to be the end goal. If I focus on the things I can do and build on them I get to ignore the gone things

Trapped in a box, my life becomes void
And all I thought for myself is now destroyed

-trapped in a box, no doubt, 1992