I’ve been pretty stoic on the whole since the stroke, I’m not saying I’ve been perfect or it hasn’t affected me because there were days where I just cried in frustration, anger and remorse. But they tended to be bursts of pain for a couple of days.

I’ve hit another major down day today pretty much 6 months in. While I’ve pretty much nailed the Walking and confidence with that is much improved, my arm still had a grand amount of zero progression. It’s just there as a knick knack, you can see it but there is zero function to it, it’s not even progressing despite continued stretching, NMES stim and attempting to weight bare when doing things like brushing my teeth.

Could I live with the walk I have now? Sure, I’m up, mobile, can sometimes move at a reasonable pace and it’s safe, lots of people have unusual walks for a multitude of reasons, it wouldn’t bother me if that is what remained of my stroke in the long term.

But my arm being zero function, zero tone is prohibiting me living my life, I can’t work, I can’t work out, I can’t type, I can’t drive, I won’t go for meals out because I can’t use cutlery, I can’t read because I can’t hold a book or turn a page, I won’t go on holiday despite the desperate urge to do so because I’m not sitting in a restaurant with someone having to cut my food up.

I’ve thrown everything I can think of and find through research at it, but it’s still sat here going “nah”.

If I could have an elective amputation I would consider it, I’d have less issues banging it on doorframes etc.

It’s not very often I completely lose hope but I’m there today.

I’ve had a physio session and talked this through with a senior physio, and while she’s keen to point out my lower limb progress and that my enthusiasm hasn’t wained so far, to not let it now, visualisation is a thing (apparently). But equally can’t offer anything more than what I already do.

I can see 3 real avenues from here:

1 – give up, look genuinely at something like amputation

2 – go ridiculous treatment, stem cell treatments are available in mainland Europe at an eye watering fee, we’d find the money if I could do it, but it’s not guaranteed.

3 – give up on everything, just accept it’s never going to change and there’s only one final outcome of any life